midlife crisis when the fog lifts midlife crisis when the fog lifts

Well, no you dont know how I feel. Also including the fact he carried out other basic lies for so long, I eventually came to the point where I will never be able to believe he was faithful, even though he has never wavered from saying he felt anything for her, he has never admitted to anything I dont have black and white tangible evidence of, such as phone records, just left me feeling that if I cant prove it, I know he wont admit it, honest as he seems to be now. Im so sick of being worried that every day a new bomb is going to drop thats going to make my stomach drop and upset me. No! Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. 1. All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. She is engaging with your H inappropriately. I stumbled on her secret email account by accident and discovered a lengthy email exchange lasting months that was both emotionally and sexually explicit. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. Its not hate or love. He spreads so much lies and hate about me to his allies, its disgusting. EMotional enough to where I would have to go into the bathroom so no one would see me cry. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. We have both said we wont do anything permanent yet, but when he gets mad he always throws things in my face. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. But i do feel that way. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. He eventually woke the fuck up and she went on to marry the looser she stole from another woman. Your request he seek counseling is the right choice. I was completely wrong on that. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. Right on the heels of the PA was an EA with a very young girl. That it is disrespectful to agree to something and turn around and do the opposite. I can totally relate. How convenient for him. He was nice during that time, as a matter of fact hes always been nice. Less than one month later he wanted a D (yet again!?). Me, almost five months, passed already. Read up on the 180. Part despair, part guilt, a dose I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. It almost felt like there were no problems leaving the PA. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. You barely communicate. Deal with your stress and anxiety in a productive way. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. He continued to cheat. Financial access to all accounts and documents. Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. Between the As (2) and the being constantly late (by hours and hours) I was a doormat. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. It is not easy and at times we struggle but I still love him and we get along well. Not that it matters anyway. No lateness. It was definitely the biggest argument we have had in a long time. Im focused on myself and my kids and he continues to hate me and blame me for everything. I just want my husband back. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. Am I making myself too available? I have NEVER felt this way with him. I wish you could get out of this nightmare somehow. unfortunately you were heading down this path. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. I deserve an award for keeping up that charade for many months. It may not be in every case. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. Now? It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. His emotional state was that rocky. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. Plan B. 4. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. Your observation that you would have been replaced may be accurate. She said she want 6 months.She also tells me how much happier she is with out me. A few weeks of that and we were headed for a divorce. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. Not open to discussion. Lol. It is an addiction. Its been a few weeks since ive written. He is saying he doesnt want to change. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. Your issues are more than just the A. He makes sly comments sometimes. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. It is powerful. She was so screwed up mentally. You cannot get anyone to see your point of view if they dont want to. You are stronger than you think. The handwriting was on the wall. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. But at night when were hanging out, it feels okay. Its all so upsetting. That is your next step after plan B is in place. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. I acted pretty blah to him today. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. I was shaking I was so angry. I dont think she sees how much it hurts me. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. Nothing changed. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. I dont know where his head is right now, I dont know if hes leaning towards divorce, but I do think hes still talking to original OW and im sure she pushed that. Best to you. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. The funny thing is I feel like that started happening when I shifted my focus on my own well being and took a bit of a step back from it all. Work, go to the bar every day, and come home and see the baby, feel like im available even though he doesnt care all that much, and then do it again. You are tired of living in limbo. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. He fantasized about escape. I tell him its not appropriate. No more hateful texts. I do know these things. The only thing the cheater sees is their own selfish needs and desires. If you decide to try and R at some point, you need to come to an understanding between both of you as to what your M will be and look like. My H was the guy no one would have ever expected to cheat. WebMidlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out of midlife crisis One who can guide you through this storm. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. Your own reasons. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. Which is that fair? I had an excellent therapist but I was sure he was leaving and I had no $ and children. Everything was okay. Articles But wait already did. She tried to keep contact happening but I blocked her number and in the end she got the message. Learn how your comment data is processed. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! Rebecca that is so sad. Day by day I am grown weaker & more weaker. Last night was a big one. He beefed for another chance. What Is a Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes And How To Cope With It And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. I am having SUCH a horrific day today. You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. Do that a few times and see what happens. Part of me thinks I should once and for all let this go and move on, figure out a schedule for him and the baby and move on without him, but I just cant even fathom that. He will regret it one day. I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. But im kind of in the same boat right now. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. He realized how disrespectful it was. Obviously, we know begging and pleading didnt work. I looked after their needs while they were younger but he is their dad and he was involved in their lives. But nothing you do will influence him. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. If you say something you have to mean it and stick to it. I dont even know what to DOOOOOO at this point. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. It has been two years and I feel like my own fog is finally starting to lift. We live as roommates. What will after work be like today, will he go somewhere, will he tell me he has plans tomorrow, will it be a bad weekend? Did she get back in touch? I became my mother. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. Thank you so much. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. I told him on a few occasions I am not standing in your way. Like I said in my first post, we decided Sunday he would move out. It would be good to know what it is. At some point you need to accept him for what he is and if the M cannot work, then he ha made his choice and then you must do the same. He is expecting you to give in to him. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. Keep in mind all this time, the OW is STILL reporting to him at work. And that you know he is lying. Hi I will love to talk to you since you have already make it to the other side im 6 months from d-day at 1st I was the one waiting to fix things but he was in the fog now he is the one trying to come back but im so hurt.. he is trying to control me and manipulate me with $and our son. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. I feel good about myself. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. That new love attraction or high. You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. You can let yourself get angry when he lies or you can accept he is ALWAYS going to lie and move on. CLEARLY. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. I say Im trying hard to trust him. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. Has giveN you some great advice. I feel like an annoyance. ANy and ALL support of this decision is welcomed. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. I dont even know why I started it. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. While I was busy raising and looking after everything in my house, he was busy looking after himself. By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. I learned this from my H cheating. Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. But he has stayed at the house every night since then. It kills me every, single, day. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. And when I was, I didnt take it. But I also dont want to be a doormat. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. I think thats all part of it. So even though I had given him the ability to leave many times he declined. I read opposing things, that its good to live together bc the communication continues, and then that its better to separate so they can see what theyre missing. im giving him his freedom, im asking no questions. When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. No argument. But karma is coming and I hope you get to see what happens to people who take advantage of someones good nature. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. I feel if she did this we could rebuild a strong relationship. How sad it comes to that. Its called the Plan B. Im struggling with finances as is, I cant rub two coins to my name. Do not fixate on her the OW. Dont live with the disrespect. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. The confusing bit when he is around me twice he tried to sleep with me and most recent visit just kept try and cuddle me..: Im so confused my headspace is confused I dont think I want him back as he caused me so much pain but I do know I dont want him with her and I guess I want him to want to come back if that makes sense.. I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. Not any more. And if I said that to him it might be a wake up call, but then again, I might regret it 10 mins later and regret saying it. Dishonest. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. So sorry for you. I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. And I just hate it bc I TRULY know I am a good woman. He shouldnt be living here. He was no longer a bit arrogant. But he is running out of time very quickly. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. But she knew exactly what she was doing. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. I knew he could easily write off other people, but never me. Im not stopping you or controlling you. Tabs like you my OH dropped the OW immediately I confronted himafter an 8 year friendship. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. Shes not been complete gone if you ask me. I think im still SOMEHOW so shocked by all of this, that everytime he does something that shows me he is pulling away, Its like being kicked in the stomach. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. Im not the source of his problems, although he has made it like I am. Tell him that this is not what you expected when you married and had children. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. Its always women. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. You are very smart. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. None of this worked for me but it laid a foundation that I was willing to look past the A and move forward. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. I dont want a husband like this. I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. No begging or pleading. Hey Mark, Thanks for the comment and sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you, as I must have overlooked your question. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. I think most, if not all BSs would love to have a do-over and the chance to handle things differently. If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. I dont even know what this is, but its not what I want. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. Fog is lifting, now what? - DivorceBusting.com Most of the time, because of the kids, I acted like nothing was happening. Is that stupid? He wont answer questions. I sure hope he comes around. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. It would be better to tell him that you love him dearly but you must separate until he decides what he wants 100% commitment to you or else there is no reason to continue being married. Big difference! Yup Yup and Yup. Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. like you said, I cannot change him. Its more like hes there. I feel like im losing my mind. Regardless, keep focusing on yourself and your kids. These were all text messages he sent me, and I didnt respond to any for the rest of the day. Im so happy I cry when I read this. Living the single life. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. A few weeks later we talk with our coach again, and when asked how things are going I reply They seem to be getting alittle better (or so I thought). To protect ourself. Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. Sometimes I feel very positive. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? I feel like I hate the guy! Bc this is absolutely awful. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. TheFirstWife I really hope I have done whats right. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing.